Something to sing about: Dushku character drabbles
by Jinxgirl
Summary: This series is a series of stories based upon characters played by Eliza Dushku on movies and TV shows.
1. Nazi Halo

Something to Sing about: Drabbles of Eliza Dushku characters

Author notes: This series is a series of stories based upon characters played by Eliza Dushku on movies and TV shows. I wrote fifteen drabbles about Faith first, then around 25 of other Dushku characters in order from the age when she played them. I came up with the titles and focus of each drabble by doing random shuffle on my mp3 player- the first fifteen songs, then the next 25, were the ones that I would use as titles and inspiration. You'll see as it goes. Of course, I own neither characters nor songs. Because I have so many more of Faith than the other characters, I'll be alternating her drabbles between the drabbles of other Eliza characters. Some of these, based solely on title, and when given to certain characters, were quite the challenge.

1. Nazi Halo (song: "Nazi Halo" by Jack Off Jill) (Faith, Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

His face is twisted, smiling so widely it seems to distort his heavy features. His mouth is close, so close she can feel his hot breath against her, and she feels her jaw tighten. The ceiling seems to be closing in on her, pressing closer as he slides his body slowly over hers.

He has a thin penciled mustache, and it confuses her, for he was always clean shaven before. It reminds her of Adolph Hitler… and as her heart races, her hands sweating, she thinks how very appropriate that is. She finds her eye fixating on the mustache, blocking herself from seeing his sneering mouth, the savage satisfaction in his eyes. The lamp shines dimly on the nightstand, and she realizes as her eyes unwillingly drift upward that it casts a sheen of light around his head that almost resembles a halo.

"Lie still…" he growls in what he must think a seductive tone, and his hands are rough, roaming, as she fights back screams she knows cannot escape. It would do no good…she would never-

Faith's eyes snapped open, a gasp escaping before she could stop herself. She felt the dampness at the nape of her neck, at her underarms, and registered it dimly as sweat, though she could also feel herself shivering. As she attempted to calm her heartbeat, to bring her breathing back under control, the remnants of the visions from the dream were slow to leave her mind. Every night, it was the same…

Well, at least the mustache had been different this time.


	2. This is how it goes

Something to Sing about: Drabbles of Eliza Dushku characters

2. "This is how it goes" (song by Missy Higgins) Alice Bloom: That Night

(so yeah…I have seen too many of her movies. Lol. I know, dork me.)

Alice still watched outside her window at night sometimes, staring across the street into Sherry's empty bedroom. It had been two months now and still she half expected to see the older girl's form, preparing for bed, or to go out. But the room was always dark, and Alice knew it would stay that way. Even though she knew it was right, the way she wanted it to be, she missed seeing Sherry, the knowledge that the older girl was so close. She missed /her/.

Alice still wore Sherry's favorite perfume, when she was alone in her room. She still listened to Sherry's favorite record, and she practiced, when her mother was out, doing her makeup like Sherry had shown her. She found herself wishing that people would call her Ali, as Sherry had, but she never introduced herself to anyone with that name. It would seem wrong, somehow a betrayal of Sherry's memory.

Alice always rushed to get the mail when it came, hoping that it was a post card from Sherry and Rick. She's gotten two now, and she hoped that one day, one of them would come with a picture of their baby. She had sent them some suggestions in her last letter to them. She liked Tony or Darryl, kind of like Sheryl, for a boy, and Amy or Susan for a girl.

She wished sometimes that they hadn't had to leave…but as her mother had said to her once, that's how it goes. And maybe Bobby wasn't at all like Rick… but she wasn't at all like Sheryl yet either. So maybe there was hope…Sherry couldn't have been so glamorous when she was only ten years old, right?


	3. Youth of America

Something to Sing about: Drabbles of Eliza Dushku characters

3. "Youth of America" (song by Birdbrain) (Faith of Buffy the vampire slayer)

Faith was one of them. Reckless and impulsive, forever seeking something to occupy herself with, something to provide her with focus, to give her life meaning. Beautiful and healthy without any need to work on it, full of certainty that she would never alter, never succumb to time's effects on her appearance. She knew she would never sicken, never weaken, and certainly she could not die… or perhaps it was simply that she did not care if she did.

Strong and energetic, attractive and intelligent, courageous and determined… and yet… she was lost. She was lonely, she was hurting, on the brink of a downward spiral she was unsure she could ever return from. She was angry, she was bitter, she was breaking and broken, wanting only to grasp a strong hand that could help her remain anchored firm. She was afraid.

She was a Slayer, but Faith was still one of them… the troubled, complex youth of America.


	4. Hey there Delilah

Something to Sing about: Drabbles of Eliza Dushku characters

4. "Hey there Delilah" (song by Plain White T's) Pearl, This Boy's Life

"Hey there…Delilah," Dwight hissed, his eyes narrowed, and Pearl stiffened, quickly beginning to inch towards the door. She knew full well that what it meant when her father called her by that name.

It wasn't her name, of course; her name was Pearl Eleanor. He had gotten the nickname from the Delilah of the Bible, and now, whenever he was mad at Pearl, that was what he would call her.

She was just like her, he had told Pearl time and time again. All women were, with their seductive wiles and betrayals… they would use their charms to lure you in and then once you trusted them, they would stab you in the back. Always trying to hurt you, always taking off on you, they were good for nothing, her father said repeatedly.

It didn't matter that Pearl, being only eleven, was not a woman but a child; the potential was there, her father said, and he would get rid of it, knock it out of her so she would never become like the others of her kind. With each mark on her body Pearl prayed…not that it would stop, but that the day she became a woman would never arrive.

Dwight never hit her before, when her older brothers and sisters were around, or when he had Toby and her stepmother to concentrate his rage on. But they were all gone now, leaving her behind, and she was alone with him.

"Come here, Delilah," he said, his voice deceptively soft, and Pearl knew there was no escape…for everyone else, yes, but not for her. Never for her.


	5. 4 in the morning

Something to Sing about: Drabbles of Eliza Dushku characters

5. "4 in the morning" (song by Gwen Stefani) Faith, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

She lay awake on the top bed of her prison bunk, eyes half closed, but she was not anywhere close to giving in to sleep. The weariness within her was of mind and soul rather than the body, and Faith knew it would be some time before either was given rest…if ever.

She was not used to sleeping with anyone else in the vicinity, and now she was surrounded on all sides by sensing of the women all around her, scattered about the prison interior. She could hear their loud breathing, the jagged snores, the tossings and turnings and cries in the midst of dreams. Below her, her cellmate ground her teeth in the bottom bunk, and Faith pressed her lips together tightly, wanting so badly to vent her frustration in an act of violence. Thing was, she wasn't sure if she'd rather direct it at her cellmate or herself.

For all her bravado, all her decisions and confessions today, all her newfound convictions to do what was right… what Buffy had so vehemently told her was right…Faith had done all this, and she still had no idea if she had done the right thing at all. Was there a right thing? Could there be a right thing, if she was the one doing it? Could anything she did at this point, short of killing herself, make a difference, make up for what she had done?

She didn't know… she didn't think so. She knew that a part of her still wanted to die…but would that make up for anything after all? It would be so easy… a relief to her, almost a reward rather than a punishment. But to be here…to live…maybe that was the worst thing, the most fair thing, that she could do to herself.

Faith closed her eyes, feeling a deep sigh shudder through her before she was even aware of making it. She had no watch, no way beyond the guard's orders to know the time, but she guessed it was around four in the morning. Three more hours and her first day as a prisoner would begin… three more hours to begin again to find her way to the right side of things.

If she still could.


	6. Bathwater

Something to Sing about: Drabbles of Eliza Dushku characters

6. "Bathwater" by No Doubt (Dana, True Lies)

It was when she was alone that she grew uneasy, that she began to think, to remember. While she was trying to sleep at night, or going to get the mail, while she was studying her in her room- even now, while she was lying back in the soapy bathwater that had been meant to be relaxing… during any and all of this, Dana was uneasy, even afraid. She did not like to be alone. Not now, not after everything.

She used to enjoy time by herself; she used to seek it out, to find ways to defy her parents, exert her independence and increasingly adult status. At fourteen, Dana ducked away from any showing of concern or affection they displayed towards her, scorning it in favor of time by herself, or with her friends…or better yet, older boys. She didn't want or need her parents, or so she thought, and they never seemed to particularly need or want her either.

But now she felt safe only with her mother or father nearby, and often sought out their presence. When they were with her she could relax. When they were with her she could be sure that no one would try to harm her.

It wasn't safe to be alone. She had been alone when the men had taken her… she could remember their harsh hands grabbing, the sickly smell at her nose and mouth, the way her heart had pounded so wildly as she sat with them, waiting for her chance to take the remote they would use so destructively. She remembered clinging for her life to the power cable, legs dangling, screaming, so terrified… and her father coming to her rescue, even holding her as he hadn't in years as she began to cry.

Dana knew now how much she needed her father, and even that he must need her in some way…otherwise, she reasoned, he wouldn't have tried so hard to save her. He has assured her that she was safe…but she didn't' trust this to be true, when she was alone.

Sitting up in the tub abruptly, she began to rinse her hair quickly, hurrying in her efforts as she tried to stop thinking, worrying… remembering. She didn't remember why she had thought a bath could be relaxing…


	7. Underneath it all

7. "Underneath it all" (song by No Doubt ) Faith, Buffy the vampire Slayer

Author notes: …what are the chances of three songs in a row randomly being No Doubt/Gwen Stefani ones when I'm not even a major fan? Lol

Faith knew what she was. She couldn't have escaped the knowledge even if she'd been born deaf and blind, unable to see their sneers, their looks of disgust and contempt, mockery and even hatred of her, to hear their hissing slurs and shouted declarations of her lack of worth. Even if she had been so inflicted she would have known. She would have felt it in the way they touched her, with rough hands grabbing, pinching, bruising, the sharp blows to her face, chest, and stomach, and in the way they didn't touch her too. She could remember no hugs, no kisses on the forehead, no larger hands taking hold of hers, no arms lifting her high into the air or rocking her in their circle. The touches, and lack of touches, made it obvious…the words only spelled it out more clearly.

She could never remember a time when she hadn't been aware of what she was, hadn't had it drilled into her by everyone she knew, to make sure she never forgot. She was worthless, stupid, trash…she was a slut and a loser, a skank and a bitch who should never have been born, who should never have been allowed to live. She was a mistake, an outcast, unwanted, unneeded, and unloved. She was nothing. She was no one. She was bad, and she didn't' care, didn't' want or need anyone or anything but herself.

But still… even as she knew this, had it drilled into her head over and over, repeated it to herself on a daily basis… still a part of her cringed, flinched away from the knowledge. Some small part of her cried out against it, denying it all, hungry for reassurance, for approval, for comfort and borrowed strength, understanding and support. Some part of her declared her own strength and rejected it all…

For underneath it all, all she wanted- all she ever hoped and fought for- was that someone, somewhere, would love her, no matter how much she didn't deserve it.


	8. Don't stop dancing

8. "Don't stop dancing" (song by Creed) Cindy, Race the Sun

She remembered how he used to dance with her, when she was a little girl. She would stand on his shoes, and he would hold her hand, one arm wrapped around her waist as he moved with her, guiding her. Cindy had loved that. When her father had eyes only for her, when he held her close to him and moved with her in rhythm to the radio, she felt happy in a way she couldn't even imagine now, at the age of fifteen.

She would always beg him not to stop, to just go on dancing with her, spending time with her. But of course, it always had to come to an end at some point. He must have stopped dancing with her when she was around eight or nine years old.

Cindy rarely saw him now. Instead she had her mother, who she felt more and more distant from lately, Daniel, her stepbrother, who was okay but overly protective, and Ed. Stupid asshole Ed, who was not and never would be her father, no matter what he tried to prove with his idiotic commands.

Sure, he might not be around much… but her dad must miss her. He must want to see her…Cindy had to believe that.

Sometimes she really wished she was still small, still back in her dancing days, when everything was so easy.


	9. Unsent

9. "Unsent" (song by Alanis Morisette) Faith, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Dear Buffy (crossed out) B (crossed out) Buffy (crossed out) B,

Dammit I already screwed this up… but I don't know if they're gonna give me another piece of paper if I asked so I'm gonna have to just keep going and hope you can read this. You're probably not gonna bother anyway, you'll probably just rip it up as soon as you see the prison's return address in the corner, so I guess I shouldn't worry. Not really sure why I'm even writing this… I just kinda feel like I have to. Like I need to, you know? I mean, I know I sure as hell ain't gonna ever be able to say any of this to your face. For one thing I'm probably gonna be ancient by the time I get out of here, and for another I don't expect to be seeing your face on the other side of the visitor glass any time in this life. So, I know I'm not a writer, but it's about all I got left here.

So…here goes. I'm sorry, Buffy. I know I fucked up, I know I hurt you, I hurt everyone. Not to mention Professor Worth and Alan Finch. And no that wasn't a joke. I'm not trying to be funny, I know it isn't. I know…dammit, I can't even write it. Why is this so damn hard?

Okay…like I said, I'm sorry. I know I can't make it better, and I know you said you'd beat me to death if I said it. But I don't know what else to say, B. Buffy I mean. Buffy. I don't know what to do. I think you would have rather killed me, and I can't say I blame you. I know you probably wish you had, that night on the roof… gotta say you're probably right there too.

But you didn't, and I couldn't get Angel to, so here I am…shit that sounds stupid. Sorry…for everything. Everything I ever did to all of you. I'm not gonna write to anyone else… so if you don't rip this up, I hope you tell them, because I am. Really. I hate what I did, I hate what I am. I hate me. So I don't blame you guys for hating me too.

Dammit…I can't send this. No way can I send this now…I completely screwed this up, you're just gonna hate me more if you read it. Whatever.

Well…if I'm not gonna send this, I guess I might as well tell all. Not like anyone's gonna see it other than the toilet bowl.

Okay…so…B, I loved you. I mean, I love you. Then, now, pretty much from the second I saw you. I don't' know why. Well I could probably give you a thousand reasons why, but none of them would be the real reason. I just love you. Just because I do. It just felt right…even though it was wrong. And I know you don't love me, you never loved me, even though for a while there I thought maybe you wanted to screw me and were just too uptight and closeted to admit it. It's okay. Again, don't' blame you, there's no reason in hell you should love me or that I could expect you to. I just thought, maybe if I wrote it down and tried to get it out somewhere instead of just suppressing it all the time I'd feel better or something.

I don't.


	10. Music of the night

10. "Music of the night" (Phantom of the opera soundtrack) Emma, Bye Bye Love

Author note: Hmm…even as a child and teenager Eliza always played children from broken homes… and yet her own seems pretty loving and solid? Lol. Well her parents are divorced but she always comes across in interviews as being very close to her brothers and mother. ..

In the treehouse of her childhood home, Emma hugged her knees to her chest, tears dripping steadily, as she tried to ignore the noises all around her. They formed a nighttime cacophony that blended into a whir that seemed to roar, unbearable, in her ears. Crickets chirping, children's voices on a driveway close by, the yells of the man on the lawn- what used to be HER lawn- to get off his property, to let down the treehouse's ladder and leave. All of this seemed faint and far off in comparison to the sound of her own pounding heartbeat, to the gasping of her sobs.

Emma's stomach churned, and she hurt, emotionally and physically. She was humiliated, hurting, feeling the effects of her first bout of drinking…but most of all she was grieving. She was beginning to fully realize the extent of what she had lost, what had been gone from her long before reaching fourteen. Her home, her security, her chance at feeling completely loved, completely safe, completely happy…her family. And only now did she realize how everything was even worse than she had understood. Nothing was right, everything was so, so wrong… and it would never be better, nothing could go back to the way it had been.

Emma wanted for everyone and everything to fade away, stop speaking and moving, to leave her alone in her misery… she couldn't tolerate their voices, their yelled admonishments or calls of concern. She didn't want them, any of them.

But yet, all she wanted was to be small again… to be warm and loved and protected, cherished, to feel safe and whole and secure. She wanted her family back… she wanted everything to be the way it used to be, with her little and lavished on, for her parents to be happy…to be together.

Why couldn't she have that?


	11. Standing

Something to Sing about: Drabbles of Eliza Dushku characters

11. "Standing" (song by Anthony Stewart Head) Faith, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

She stood with the others, facing out towards the giant, empty hole before them...all that remained of Sunnydale. As the others regarded it with satisfaction, pride, almost reverence, Faith stretched her arms behind her head, keeping her features nonchalant, intent on conveying with her flippant words and easy body language that this was no big thing for her. Another day, another apocalypse... nothing new.

But this was a big thing... this was new. Because at this apocalypse, she had been there. she had been a part of things... she had been needed, included, even, by the end of it, wanted. Not going against them, not vegged out in a coma, or cooling her heels in a prison cell, but fighting with them at their sides. This time she'd done it right, helped them make a difference... this time she'd been one of them. This time she hadn't failed.

As the others began to joke around again, smiling, teasing, relief and happiness tainted with the grief of their losses, Faith went silent, simply watching as Buffy near her did, with a faint smile. It might be wrong... but in spite of all the deaths, all the violence and destruction, she was happy.


	12. Birthday

12. "Birthday" (song by Meredith Brooks) Missy, Bring it On

Missy eyed the brightly wrapped gift in her hands with more than a little apprehension, her face drawing into an involuntary grimace. The blonde girl before her didn't seem to notice; in fact, she was bouncing on her toes excitedly, her face breaking into an animated, expectant beam.

"Come on, Missy, open it!" Torrance cried impatiently, giving her a playful little push on the shoulder. "You're just STARING at it!"

"Yeah, Missy, don't you want to see what she got you?" Cliff prodded with a smirk, but being her brother, he knew better than to touch her at the moment. With Missy's irritation with him, she would probably slug him, and she wasn't by any means a weakling.

Missy glared at him past Torrance's shoulder, only causing his smirk to deepen with amusement at her silent signals of anger. She deliberately hadn't told Torrance or anyone else about her birthday, not wanting to have them make a big, and in most cases phony, deal about it. And Torrance was definitely one to make a big deal over something like that. To her it was just another day, albeit one that brought her closer to legal drinking age by a year. She didn't want any huge party or a bunch of presents or anything like that- that wasn't her style. In fact, she had practically pleaded with Cliff to let his present to her be feigning total ignorance to the day's date.

But of course her brother couldn't keep his mouth shut, and Torrance had come to find her today all stunned and indignant that Missy hadn't told her so she could plan out a huge party. When Missy tried to make it clear that a party was the last thing she wanted, Torrance had gone off in a huff. Obviously that hadn't stuck, however, because here she was hours later with a gift in her hands, thrust out to Missy.

Missy tried to subtly feel around it; it was in a box, sort of like clothing box, but that didn't mean anything. Torrance could have put anything in it, regardless of size or shape. She almost dreaded seeing what totally glitzy and girly Torrance-type thing was waiting inside… damn, if this was a purple fuzzy pen or sweater or something, Clint was sooo gonna pay.

As Missy tore off the wrapping paper with one quick rip, she caught sight of Torrance still grinning at her and Cliff's amused face behind her, and she braced herself for whatever might be about to meet her field of vision. As she lifted her present from the box, her eyes widened, and she found herself to be staring, unable to say a word.

It was indeed a shirt… a pink t-shirt, hand-decorated obviously, by Torrance, with fabric paints, sequins, and beads. In huge Day-Glo letters it proclaimed, "Missy and Torrance, BFF!!!"

As Missy continued to gawk at it with her mouth open, unable to form words, Torrance leaned towards her with her eyes glittering, unaware of how difficult it her boyfriend behind her was finding it to suppress hysterical laughter at the look on his sister's face.

"What do you think? I made it myself- it could have been better if you gave some NOTICE, but under the circumstances I did what I could. So how do you like it? I made one for me too, we can wear them together!"

As Missy continued to stare at it, numb with shock, she realized that her throat was choking slightly. The shirt was gaudy and girly, pink and puffy, silly and sophomoric. It was totally not her style and totally Torrance's. If she saw it on anyone else, she would have rolled her eyes and smirked at the stupidity.

But Torrance had made this for her, had put effort and thought and caring into this… and it didn't see stupid or silly to her at all.


	13. Don't think of me

13. "Don't Think of Me" (song by Dido) Faith, BTVS

Faith knew damn well that Buffy wanted her. Hell, she wanted to BE her. She could see it in the way she watched her and tried to act like she wasn't, the way she danced with her, touching her so hesitantly at first before giving in and letting go entirely. She had seen it in the sparking of Buffy's eyes, the slow smile on her face as she had taken her around town, showing her the way it should be for them… the way Buffy really wanted it to be for them, even if she didn't know it. Faith could tell how excited the blonde was during their misdemeanors, as she danced with her, how she was just waiting for permission from Faith to give in and go her way…

She knew Buffy wanted Faith's life…she knew Buffy wanted Faith. But no…just when Faith thought she finally had her, that Buffy was finally giving in, she had backed away, scrambling back to Soulboy and his broody, guilt ridden morality, telling herself that it was he she wanted. She was scared… that was the only reason Buffy did it, the only reason she would have. Pretty damn sad that she found it safer to be with a guy who had fangs and a strict liquid diet than Faith, who was her sister Slayer…her EQUAL. And she was her only equal, whether or not Buffy would admit it. Everyone else in the world was lesser than the Slayers, the Chosen Two.

Well, whatever. If B didn't need her, Faith certainly didn't need her either. Let her have Angel- that was better punishment than anything Faith could do to her. And when she was snuggling up to his cold dead ass, totally frustrated from the no sex so he could keep his stupid soul, well, Buffy just better not think about Faith, is all. She could call her all she wanted, Faith wasn't gonna come running.

She just better damn well not call.


	14. Early winter

14. "Early Winter" (song by Gwen Stefani) Annabel, Soul Survivors

She had never thought she could die.

Not now, not while there was still so much left for her to do, to see- to BE. She was young and beautiful, only beginning her life. She was happy and at ease with herself, secure in her knowledge that for her, the best was yet to come.

She was wrong. Annabel had already lived her best, peaking at the age of eighteen… but how could she have known?

She remembers her last night alive. The dancing, the rain, the excitement and exhilaration she had felt as she spent time with Cassie and her other friends, with her boyfriend Matt. She remembers driving, Cassie lecturing, slipping out of control… she remembers her heart leaping into her throat, the icy water engulfing her, her head, the pain in her head… and then nothing.

She drifts now, caught between two worlds, and sometimes Annabel is not sure if she is dead or alive at all. Sometimes she's not even sure which she prefers. She's reached a strange crossroads of sorts, an early winter to her existence, and she isn't sure of anything or anyone anymore, least of all herself.

She doesn't know who or what she is anymore…but she can see in hindsight now who she was.


	15. Over my head

15. "Over my head" (song by The Fray) Faith, BTVS

Far back as I can remember there's always been someone trying to make sure I never forget how dumb I am, how I'm never gonna be able to get anything that's not spelled out in letters six inches high. I heard about it all the time from my mother, obviously- seems like I couldn't hardly move without her telling me I was doing it wrong, that I was a stupid bitch, an idiot, moron, asshole, whatever. That's the first thing outta people's mouths every time I piss them off, every time- calling me a stupid bitch. Hear it enough and sometimes you gotta wonder…

Then there's school, didn't exactly wow anyone there either while I was still in it. Couldn't pay attention, couldn't shut up, and the stupid rules about hand raising and sitting still and all that shit never really stuck with me when I was a little kid. By the time I was ten or so I just didn't' care anymore. Wasn't exactly a whiz there, and I was one of the kids the teachers either totally ignored or didn't bother to even pretend they liked. Still, whatever, you know. Didn't bother me that much. It's not like all that crap they try to teach you really matters anyway.

My first Watcher, she never exactly called me dumb, but she got this look in her eye sometimes like she was disappointed in me or something, when I screwed up with slaying or goofed around too much. She was always saying I had to do better, that I wasn't working up to my potential or something. Yeah, well, kinda obvious now that whatever potential I had is just about gone now, and anyway, what if I couldn't, she wouldn't know I couldn't. I would have rather just let her think I could do better but didn't want to. It was a whole lot safer that way.

And then came B and her gang, and they made it way obvious that they thought they were better and smarter than me. Saying all this shit they knew was gonna go straight over my head and then looking at me like I'm dumb or something or a perve or whatever when I don't' get it. Well maybe I am but they don't have to act like they're better than me, just because they are better than me. They could still not be all superior over being superior if you know what I mean. I know they're better, I know I'm dumber and not as good, that no one really wants or likes me. But can't they even let me freakin' pretend that's not true?


	16. Glitter in the air

16. "Glitter in the air" (song by Pink) Danielle, The New Guy

Author note: I absolutely hated this movie above all others she's made, didn't think it was funny at all…the one and only thing I enjoyed was Eliza, particularly her bikini scenes. Lol

There were no singing bluebirds or doves, no floating hearts or cherubs. There were no resounding gongs or tinkling bells, no sappy music, no glitter in the air or confetti strewn across the room. There was only the two of them backstage, in about as unromantic a location as could be. But nonetheless, Danielle knew that he was the one for her…Dizzy Harrison was the one that she wanted.

It didn't matter that he was 6'5 and 130 pounds, that he was a nerd and had been to prison. It didn't matter that he was nothing like he had tried to present himself to her as, that all his stories about his friends and his past had been lies. He had come clean now, and Danielle understood, even if she wished he had felt secure enough in himself to be straight with her.

Everyone had their dorky, quirky qualities, however deeply hidden… did it really matter how widely they spanned? Dizzy was what she needed regardless of his past, and Danielle didn't need words in the sky or songs in the air to know this in her heart.


	17. Mockingbird

17. "Mockingbird" (song by Eminem) Faith, BTVS

She remembered the first time it had happened. She was three years old; she remembered that because she was wearing the Cookie Monster shirt she had gotten for her birthday. She remembered how her eyes had grown huge in her round baby face, how even more than pain she had felt shock… she remembered how she had stared with her mouth open, too stunned to even cry.

Her mama had looked so angry, so scary, her hair straggling in her face, and she had looked so mean, like a whole different person. But when she looked down at Faith and became aware of the total astonished fear in her eyes, she had suddenly looked nicer. She had let her features sag, her eyes going almost as wide as Faith's, and she had started to talk in a voice louder and higher than normal, her words running all together in a babble.

"Oh no, oh baby, oh Faithy… I'm so sorry. Mama didn't mean… oh baby I hurt you, I'm sorry, Mama's so sorry…"

It wasn't until then that Faith had started to cry, as much from fear and bewilderment at her mother's abrupt change in behavior as from the pain still spiking through her nose and face sharply. Her mama had knelt clumsily beside her, trying to wipe the blood with one hand, her tears with the other, and now she was crying too, still talking in that voice that scared Faith even further. With her face that close, Faith could smell something weird on her breath, something not like food.

"Oh baby I'm sorry… I didn't mean to. I won't do it again, I never want to hurt you, you know Mama would never hurt you don't you? Shhh Faithy don't cry… don't cry…"

She had picked her up then, rocking her slightly in her arms and crooning in a tuneless shaky murmur, the song she used to sing to put Faith to sleep.

"Hush little baby don't say a word, mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird…"

As Faith's arm closed around her mama's neck, sniffing back her tears, she had let her thumb creep into her mouth, even though she knew she was too old to do that anymore. Her mama kept crying, telling her how sorry she was, how it would never happen again. And Faith believed her.

Her mama was wrong though… it did happen again, and again, and again until after a while she didn't even bother to lie anymore by saying that it wouldn't. There was one thing that did never happen again after that day though… that was the last time she would ever sing to Faith.


	18. History

18. "History" (song by Bush) Regina, City by the Sea

Standing at the window of Joey's father's kitchen, Regina held her cigarette so tightly she almost broke it, pressing her lips together firmly. Her hand was shaking, and she deliberately kept her face averted, not wanting Vincent Demarca to see and possibly interpret the thoughts and emotions running rampant across her eyes.

She knew she had to do this… it would be the best thing for Angelo. It would be the safe thing. With her history and her present, Regina could only endanger her son's life if she continued to keep him with her. She knew that.

She had taken care of Angelo so far. She'd gotten herself clean for him, as hard as that had been and was, but Regina knew how close she was to slipping… and how very badly she wanted to. So far neither of them had been killed, either by her somehow, through negligence or stupidity, or by one of the guys threatening her life now. But for how much longer could she keep that up… and what if she couldn't?

Regina knew her history, her present, all too well. . A high school dropout, a heroin addict, a girl who had slept with more men than she could remember for reasons having nothing to do with love. She worked at McDonald's and could afford barely what she needed to survive, let alone her child. Every day for her was a struggle… a struggle to make a living, a struggle not to use, a struggle to keep going…a struggle to survive.

Her son deserved more than that, more than even her best efforts could bring him. She loved him… the thought of what she knew she was going to do to him killed Regina inside to think about, hurt her so deeply she dared not turn her face away from the window. She loved him… enough to know that she had to leave him. She could only save him by giving him to someone who could provide all she couldn't… giving him to his grandfather.

Leaving Angelo with Demarca would redeem her of her history, insure her son's future… but it was now, in the present, that Regina trembled, eyes bright with tears.


	19. Wash away those years

19. "Wash away those years" (song by Creed) Faith, BTVS

(this can take place whenever you want in your mind, I'm thinking soon after the Chosen episode)

Faith wasn't sure what had started it, what it was she had said, or what Buffy had been thinking, to set her off. In the end it didn't matter. All that mattered was that they were here now in this moment, doing something that had never been done before, would never have been a possibility in their relationship until now. She was on her knees, holding a weeping Buffy in her arms…and without knowing or understanding why, Faith was silently crying as well.

As she held her close against her chest, she let herself let go, let her head lean into Buffy's in a way that was more tender and protective than she had ever before showed her. It almost seemed as if both nothing and everything had changed between them. They were stripping away the events and barriers of the passage of time, going back to the time years ago when they were still just kids, and had not quite been able to reach this sort of understanding and empathy for each other. They were back there now, unchanged, and yet they were changing, rewriting everything of all the years gone by… years washed away in the powerful moment of shared, exhausted tears.


	20. Conversations with my 13yearold self

20. "Conversations with my thirteen-year-old self" (song by Pink) Sissy, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

It was never supposed to go down like that… it was definitely not supposed to end like this. If Sissy could have predicted the way she would have died, it would have been glamorous and exciting. Heading off the side of a cliff on a police chase with stolen jewels scattered across the dashboard, bringing the guard rail, three other cars, and the police over it with her. Dying of an overdose on the best blow she could get, dying accidentally during sex play, or killed by some chick so crazy in love with her she couldn't stand to be without her. The last way Sissy would have ever wanted to die would be onstage, after losing a fight with a glasses-wearing, stupid-banged goody two shoes…who was supposed to be her friend, her UNDERDOG.

Dammit, if she could do it all over, there was no way this would have happened, no way in hell. If she could go back, back to when she was like, thirteen, just give herself a list of what she should be doing… or really, what she shouldn't do. Would've made it a lot easier…for one thing, she would have still been alive.

Screw it… wasn't there some ghost way she could go back and give herself a list, something like this…

1. When you turn 14- or hey, maybe now, 13's a good age too- go get a Norplant. It's the only way to go, kid. Condoms break, pulling out is bullshit, and you're too out of it and hungover in the morning to remember pills. So go get a Norplant, 'cause it'll save you a few trips to get kids sucked out of you the hard way.

2. Guys, they're not going after you because they see into your soul or they like you for who you are or want to spend time with you, or any of that other starry-eyed bullshit. They want to screw you, literally and otherwise. So go ahead and let them, don't bother with the good girl virgin stick. Just make sure you're screwing them over first.

3. Guys think with their dick, not their brains. Use that to your advantage as early and for as long as you can. Hey, you're a hot chick at thirteen even if you're jailbait, and you're only gonna get better with age. So play it with all you got.

4. Like I said, you ain't gonna be young and hot as long as you want to be, so pull no it up and don't give a shit who cares.

5. Mom and Dad, aka Botox Bitch and Man Whore- they don't know what the hell's going on outside their own heads. So ignore them. Do whatever you want. They're not going to stop you. Honestly, they probably won't even notice.

6. The whole gay/straight thing, it means nothing. People are there for you to use and pleasure yourself with in whatever way you want, and the better you are at it, the more power you get. The gender thing doesn't matter. And FYI, chicks are way better at sex anyway, so go with it.

7. High school- and middle and elementary school for that matter- is totally meaningless. It's for the average, the conventional, the people who are going to be spending their lives as dull corporate zombies or housewives. There's no point in trying, you'll just drop out and be a jewel thief who makes perfectly good money anyway.

8. Never, ever let anyone on your team eat Mexican, especially before a high risk jewel hitch. You never know when it might backfire. And yeah, that's a pun, but I'm damn serious too kid.

9. Girls with glasses, stupid bangs, a conscience, names that double as a virtue, and that don't even have a nickname that rhymes with your name- just kill them the second you see them, because they'll totally stab you in the back.

10. If you ever see a greasy-haired, pimply, loudmouth asshole with a fat mute sidekick, steal him blind, make off with his clothes, and leave him stranded. Trust me, you'll be glad you did, and not only for the comedic value.


	21. Get mine, get yours

21. "Get mine, get yours" (song by Christina Aguilera) Faith, BTVS

She didn't do it for love. She didn't want it, didn't need it, didn't' understand it… she wasn't' sure she was even capable of giving or receiving love, of doing anything but screwing it up for other people. Faith and all the things she did… all the people she was with… it was never about love.

It was about power and control, satisfaction and gratification. It was about need and hunger and desire. It was about anger and distraction, seduction and fear, excitement and adrenaline. It was about sex. She got hers, they got theirs, and that was it, that was the end. No turning back, no further thought about it. No guilt, no fear, no shame…only total pleasure and enjoyment.

Faith knew this well, and tried to make it totally clear to everyone that this was the way it had to be. Sex for her was not and never would be anything but a way to scratch an itch.

It wasn't about love.

Then why did she find herself staring at the wall when they were gone, scrubbing herself in the shower afterward until she was raw? Why did she dream of faceless, nameless things attacking her and wake up looking for someone near to reassure her, when she knew no one was there? Why did she always feel so entirely alone after being as close to another human as was possible to get?


	22. Sister

22. "Sister" (song by Marry Me Jane) Megan, The Kiss

Author notes: The actress who plays Cara in this movie, she is soooo much older than Eliza to be her roommate, she could be her mother. She's supposed to be 31 but she looks fifty. And she is so thin it made me cringe…AND she is very, very stiff as an actress. She was the director's wife lol…hm coincidental how she got the part I'm sure. And I know this story sucks but considering the song and the character I was given….*rolls eyes*

Megan had never been one to do the whole girl bonding thing. The sleepovers with chick flicks and hair braiding, the whispered secrets and best friend kind of thing, she'd never been into that, even as a kid. She'd always been a tomboy back then, a guys' girl, and that had never really gone away, even if she did wear skirts and heels now instead of football jerseys and jeans. Now that she was older Megan was too busy seeking out flings with men to care much about making friends with women.

But with Cara was different. Cara wasn't like most girls her age that Megan knew of and had little interest in. For one thing, Cara wasn't her age- she was ten years older and her demeanor and appearance showed it. For another, she was so quiet and reserved, even uptight- definitely not like the goofy, giggly girls Megan was accustomed to. In fact, compared to Cara, Megan was more of a typical "girly-girl" than she ever would have thought of herself as.

But it didn't matter… and it was different. Cara wasn't really a friend to Megan at all, or even a roommate. Despite their differences, Cara was more than that…she was a sister.


	23. Going under

23. "Going under" (song by Evanescence) Faith, BTVS

She had never drowned, but she was quite sure she knew what it would be like. The initial panic, the terror rising in your chest, choking your throat… the way your heart would pound, the blood rushing in your veins even as the pressure of the water held you down, held you increasingly more helpless. She could imagine how the denials would shoot through your mind, how even as the water filled your lungs you would still struggle weakly, your mind calling out its protests.

No…not me… not now. Not real…not happening…not…

And then among the turmoil would finally come calm, a sense of peace that come with resignation to your fate, an acceptance that this was to be your end. She could well imagine this…

Faith had never drowned. But standing bent over on the roof top, with the knife blade deep in her gut, Buffy's eyes fixed on hers, Faith knew what it was go be going under something beyond her ability to rise from.


	24. Does anybody hear her

24. "Does anybody hear her" (song by Casting Crowns) Jessie, Wrong Turn

Jessie's eyes were wide with shock and horror, unblinking, unable to accept what they were seeing. It couldn't be real, it couldn't be true…

But it was…she knew it was. That was her head…that was really Carly's head. And the ax pinning it against the tree, separating it from the rest of her… that was real too…

Jessie couldn't look away, couldn't close her eyes. She continued to stare at the open eyes of what had been her best friend, as her stomach churned, her throat choked, and her heart threatened to burst straight through her chest.

Leaned back against the thick trunk of the tree they were standing upon, Chris held her tightly against his chest, supporting her, balancing her, comforting her, the best that was possible under the circumstances. One sweaty hand firmly covered her mouth, keeping her from releasing the scream that threatened to escape her. Neither of them dared to make a sound, lest the things- the creatures- that had killed Carly be alerted to their presence.

Jessie could hear them, scampering on the ground below her, cavorting through the treetops around her, and she tried to hold her breath, lest that make noise as well. She could feel Chris's heart against her back, her own beating rapidly as well, and was terrified that they would hear. How could she control her heartbeat?

She was shivering, only Chris's hold keeping her from falling, and tears pressed at the back of her eyes. She was cold, terrified, adrenaline rushing through her… and they were near, she could hear them near…

Stay calm, she tried to tell herself, repeating it as a mantra. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm… stay calm, it's okay, stay calm…

But she wasn't calm, and it wasn't okay, and Jessie knew this.

Someone, please, help… she pleaded silently, praying that someone, anyone, would intervene. Somebody help us… doesn't anybody up there hear us, doesn't anybody see? Somebody, HELP…

But the heavens were silent, and Jessie knew that only she could help herself.


	25. All I need

25. "All I need" (song by Matchbox Twenty) Faith, BTVS

She didn't need them, Faith told herself as she flipped the channels of her shitty motel TV that never seemed to show a picture without static. Buffy and her friends, the stupid Scoobies- what a freakin' dorky name- she didn't need any of them, or anything they could give her. Not that they were offering it… but even if they had been, Faith didn't need it.

She flipped through the channels without paying any attention to what they were showing as she thought about it, her eyes narrowed, forehead creased. She didn't need them. All that shit they were always going around preaching on, that wasn't exactly on Faith's priority list. Love, support, respect…honor and duty and discipline…why would Faith want any of that? She didn't need any of that from them, especially since it would be hand in hand with their patronizing and pity of her, no doubt.

All Faith needed was herself… that, and someone to help her scratch her itch when she couldn't get the job done on her own. Other than that, she had everything she needed on her own. She didn't need anything else.

She didn't.


	26. Taking over me

26. "Taking over me" (song by Evanescence) Tru, Tru Calling

Davis called it her gift…but to Tru, the abilities she referred to as her "calling" often seemed more like a curse.

Every time it happened to her- the dead people asking her for help, the rewinding of the day to give her a chance to save them- Tru did all she could to make sure they lived. She tried her hardest, putting aside everything else in her life, conjuring up whatever lies she could think of to put herself in the position she would need to be in to do it. But still, it wasn't always good enough, she wasn't always fast enough, and people's lives were the price. Even with the help of her boss, Davis, and her brother, Harrison, it was hard, in every way possible. She sometimes felt as though she were struggling against something much bigger than herself, something she could never win against.

Tru knew that as long as she was called to do what she did, she would never have any sort of a normal life. But really she didn't' want one. She needed this, needed to make a difference. She needed to feel that she was helping, doing right, even if it was inconvenient.

Still…this calling… sometimes she wished it wouldn't take over everything that was hers.


	27. Childhood dreams

27. "Childhood dreams" (song by Nelly Furtado) Faith, BTVS

"You can be whoever you want to be…"

Yeah right. Why the hell do they tell that to kids? Between that and the Santa Claus thing, no wonder they grow up depressed losers. People give them all these starry-eyed hopes and then real life comes down on them, bound to screw a kid up a little.

Faith bets B believed it…she bets she was this little pigtailed blondie princess type who thought she'd be a ballerina, fairy godmother, actress, singer, and then become a queen when her Prince Charming swept her off her feet. Must have been a shock to the kid when she ended up with demon guts and gone, sacred duty bullshit, and a broody dead guy with fangs instead of some rich guy to whisk her away into happy ever after land.

She guesses she was lucky in that way… she knew it was bullshit even as a kid. Hadn't her mom slammed that into her enough for it to stick, that she wasn't going anywhere or doing anything because she was totally worthless?

Faith knew from the start she wasn't going to be no ballerina or fairy princess. She'd be lucky just to be.

Still…she used to pretend, sometimes, that she did believe.


	28. Special

27. "Special" (song by Garbage) Megan, The Alphabet Killer

She could see them watching her, their dead eyes milky, unblinking, could see the way their lank hair floated in some breeze she herself could not feel. She saw their dark, old-fashioned clothes, unlike anything they had probably ever worn when they were alive, and Megan shuddered, wanting so badly to close her eyes, to shut them out of her sight, out of her mind. But she couldn't look away… she owed it to them not to look away. She couldn't move… the restraints binding her limbs to the asylum bed made sure of that.

They were so young, so small…only little girls. And she had not protected them, not saved them, not even avenged their deaths… their murders. Megan had done all she could, and still it wasn't enough.

They regarded her with slack expressions, blank eyes, as Megan shuddered, tears rising in eyes that had wept so many times already. Her throat closed over, a sob escaping as the dead children drew closer…whispering…accusing.

"We thought you were different, Megan…we thought you were stronger…"

"We thought you could help us…"

"We thought you could save us…"

"We thought you were special…"


	29. Move on

28. "Move on" (song by No Doubt) Faith, BTVS

Get over it. Suck it up. Move on.

Sometimes it seemed like those were the guiding words of Faith's life, the only things that kept constant. Whatever happened, she took it without flinching, rolled with it. You pretty much had to- no one was gonna give you any easy breaks, at least not if your name was Faith Lehane.

She didn't get attached to much. How could you when you're always on the move, and they're usually shitty places you're moving from anyway? Same thing with people… if you know they're just gonna leave, die, or screw you over, you don't want to get too close. Makes it way easier.

Move on…sometimes it seemed like she did that before she even had anything to move away from.


	30. This Grudge

29. "This Grudge" (song by Alanis Morissette) Renee, Sex and Breakfast

Renee loved Ellis… she knew she loved him. But ever since the…therapy…she was finding it hard to remember why, or to believe that he still loved her.

Every time she looked at him, every time he touched her, she remembered his hands on that other girl…Heather. Every time she kissed him she wondered if the taste of Heather's mouth still lingered in his thoughts, if he compared the sensation of her touch versus Renee's on his skin. And she wondered if he felt the same way about her, if he was thinking of her with James…

They hadn't had sex since that night. They had barely even touched each other. But then, that wasn't unusual. They hadn't for some time now…that was why Renee had wanted to try sex therapy in the first place. It had been her idea… she knew very well that it had been her idea.

But still, she held this grudge against Ellis for going along with it. She knew it was irrational. Ellis hadn't even wanted to be in sex therapy- it had been Renee who insisted upon it. Even so, she resented him for giving in… for actually agreeing to have sex with another woman.

She resented him for more than just that, of course, for so many things in their relationship, and even outside of it…especially the jealous, overbearing way he had reacted to Betty, to Renee's confession of her bisexuality. But those things she understood… and none of them drove her to distraction with a rage she could not voice, could never say to him.

He had said yes.


	31. The end of the world

30. "The end of the world" (song by Vonda Sheppard) Faith, BTVS

It came around every year, but this time it looked like it might actually happen. Kinda ironic considering that now more people than ever were trying to stop it…but apocalypse kinda outnumbers all, doesn't it? It doesn't exactly stop at the threat of a bunch of human teenagers and a few college-aged kids.

Usually, anyway, but if all the kids in question were Slayers, that kinda beat the odds. In fact, it totally kicked their ass.

Staring down at the crater formerly known as Sunnydale, her arms stretched over her head, Faith grinned broadly, even laughing aloud. Might have been the end of Sunnydale, and no great loss there…but it looked like the world was gonna live to see another day.


	32. Dirty Little Secret

28. "Dirty little secret" (song by All-American Rejects) Jo, Bottle Shock

In her three years of bartending, Jo had come to know a lot about alcohol and the men who consumed it. Most of the men who came in her bar were out of the same mold, looking for cheap booze and pretty women, and endowed with the ever fervent hope that there would be a combination of the two in her tavern. She knew how to handle men like that, saw them enough that it became second nature. Give them a lot of her dimpled smiles, a lot of winks, and treat them friendly, but with just a faint edge of distance, and they'd lap it up, hanging close until they spent all they got on drinks as they jostled to impress her with their "charm." They usually had none, but that wasn't the point. The point was that in the process they were spending money, money that went straight into Jo's register.

She had known the two men who came in one afternoon were different though. They were younger, obviously not from the area, and even before the taste test was set up she had known better than to pull her usual trick. These guys would be able to detect watered-down wine for sure…Jo could just tell.


	33. Missing

33. "Missing" (song by Evanescence) Echo, Dollhouse

She was beautiful; there was no question about that. With her high cheekbones, deep brown eyes, thick mass of dark hair, and dimples- not to mention her slim, toned body- Echo had the sort of looks that women envied and men lusted over. Based on her popularity in her engagements alone, it was obvious that she was desirable. She was strong, athletic, able to run long distances, swim for over an hour, and bench press her own weight, even without any special skills implanted in her. She was placid, soft-spoken, sweet, her eyes bright with innocence, and when she smiled, she could look either entirely vulnerable or fully sexy and edgy, depending upon something as slight as a change in angle of the way she held her head. She was intelligent, and she would do anything that was asked of her without questions or concerns.

But still… while she was in her blank state, that was exactly what Echo was… blank. Her very lack of anything…everything… was what made Boyd uneasy, both with her and with his new assignment in general. There was something missing in Echo, missing in all of the Dolls… and be it her brain, her soul, her personality… it somehow made her seem like less of a person…and more of a life-sized doll.


	34. Like you

34. "Like you" (song by Evanescence (yes again lol) ) Caroline, Dollhouse

I didn't want to end up like you. You're my mother, and I love you…and I know you love me. But I always tried to be different. I didn't want to be passive and underdeveloped, unhappy with myself and my life. I wanted to be strong and free, to go everywhere and do anything and everything I wanted with no fears to keep me back.

And I thought I could for a while. I always spoke my mind, always stood up for what I believed in. I went to college, had friends, goals, convictions, dreams…and a man I loved more than I'd dreamed I could love someone.

"You're so strong, Caroline," you used to tell me, your voice almost sad, resigned. "Not like your mother."

But here I am now…weak, desperate. Hurting so badly I can barely stand the pain. Hating myself… wanting so badly to be someone else. Anyone else… anyone other than me.

Just like you.


	35. On the radio remember the days

35. "On the radio (remember the days)" (song by Nelly Furtado) City Hall, aka Sharon, Nobel Son

It used to speak to her more than it did now. She wondered why that was…didn't it want her anymore? Wasn't she good enough for it? It used to tell her everything, whispering like a friend…a lover. The soft words caressed her ears, making her feel safe and warm and loved…didn't it love her anymore? Didn't anyone or anything love her?

City didn't know, and it distressed her to think of the possibility that nothing did. She was always being left behind, always abandoned… why did they always leave her, why couldn't' they stay? Why couldn't they keep her close and never leave, cling like a strong green vine to a weathered window pane, and touch her all over, scorching, fire inside, making her cry for more…more…more…

They LEFT, they always LEFT…

Hair tangled in her eyes, the loose straps of her shirt falling, half exposing her breasts, City wept in childlike gulping sobs, nose running, legs carelessly apart. Even the radio no longer spoke her name.

But at least the paintings still sang to her…if they left her too, she wouldn't know what to do with herself.

The end

Author note: I have also seen Eliza in one time guest roles on Ugly Betty, That 70's Show, the pilot of Nurses, a show which never aired, and as herself on Punk'd, but those either are so short I didn't bother or no one else has probably seen them…and as herself I can't post that on , although it would be amusing since she was way angry lol. Anyway…yep, that is all that I've seen of her stuff. I will soon be posting a very similar story, only each Buffy/Angelverse character will have one random song assigned to them courtesy of mp3 shuffle rather than just Faith/Eliza.


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